If you want to spend your energy that way, far be it from me to stop you…

This is a new mantra of mine. It took awhile (31 years) to finally feel natural to say/think/feel but now that I’ve got it, boy howdy, am I keeping it alive!

I’ve got a co-worker – we’ve all got coworkers – who seems to enjoy spending his energy in proving other people wrong. Things usually turn out the way they should (sometimes even the way I want them to) but it just takes a little longer because we must all give this man space to do his thing and argue every step of the way. I find this waste of time to be quite frustrating and often let it/him be a bee in my bonnet which upsets my serenity. My sparkle, if you will.

I was told something years ago by a dear friend who is an expert at the line of work I had just begrudgingly entered, “You control your sparkle, Rachel.” That was the last thing I wanted to hear at the time but 3 years later here I sit: sparkling up a storm.

Now, I catch myself wanting to get involved when the opportunity presents itself. Just now, in fact, I consciously stopped myself from responding to something that was better to leave alone. The growth, friends, is that I did leave it alone. He is welcome to spend his energy checking and double-checking and asking for things that are either impossible or incorrect. I have no choice when it comes to how his energy is spent. Where I do have a choice is where my energy goes.

I went to a lovely Kirtan and meditation this week and, since then, have found myself much more able to let things drop. In my meditations of late I have had two dominating visualizations: The first is a body of water with a lotus flower and a flame. I am the flower, the flame is my spiritual condition, and the water is the world around me. One can be upset and cause another to flicker but each can also remain still in spite of the activity of the others. The world can be in motion yet my flower and flame can remain steady. At work, I find my flame on the edge of flickering (especially during and after interactions with this particular person) but what I have gained through meditation is the choice of how much I am affected. My flame can remain still on an active body of water. I have a choice in how my energy is spent.

The other imagery that has come to me is that we are all one. Not that we’re all similar but that we are actually all one. At an atomic level I am made of the same stuff as the stars – the same awesome and beautiful power and energy that brightens the universe is alive in each cell of my body. And in the chair upon which I sit. And in that man at my job.

Further, I submit that there is no space between me and another object, only molecules I can’t see. When I look at it that way, with no space between me and something else, I am merely an extension of something else, and others are an extension of me. I am no different from this man; I am part of him and he of me. As much as I sometimes wish he weren’t, he is. He is in my consciousness and a part of my spiritual condition and therefore a part of me. And so I love him the way I love myself. I remember being scared that I was going to make a mistake and how intolerable that made me. I didn’t get thrown away and neither shall he.

Realizing that I do not have to engage in every whim of another has also allowed me to stop engaging in all of my own silly whims. If I get stuck in a train of thought that isn’t doing me any good, I can simply let it go. I don’t always, but I can. This hands-off approach has afforded me the energy to do the things that bring me more joy. I think it’s working. I think I’ll try to keep it up…

Namasté

Springing forward...

The Spring Equinox is upon us. I plan to celebrate by participating in a Yoga Mala (108 Sun Salutations) and, I have to say, I'm really looking forward to it. My plan was to "train" and get ready for it starting about 2 months ago but that didn't happen. Instead, I have been meditating on renewal and on having fresh ideas and experiences while letting go of things I am growing out of that don't serve me anymore.

The shift into Spring is real. Spring Cleaning happens for a reason. And it happens all around us. Trees shed their winter selves to make space for new blooms. We clean out our closets - putting winter clothes away and making room for warm weather attire. The days start to get longer and, emotionally, I find myself more ready than ever to shed my old ideas and to grow some new ones. As I let my old blooms fall to the ground, fresh new ideas spring up and I want to spring forward and live this new me.

The name of the season itself tells me I'm supposed to take action. Spring: leap, bounce, bound, hop, vault. But also flexibility, give, and resilience. I can leap, bounce and bound into the next stage of life but "springing" also gives me permission to be flexible, giving, and resilient about the changes. Things might not bloom and develop quite the way I plan them but my springy-ness allows me to go with the flow and adapt.

A Yoga Mala is not only a physical practice, it's an emotional, mental, and spiritual one. I have an idea of how the practice will be but, in reality, I have no idea. What I do know is that it will be lovely however it turns out. Cleaning my closet is no different. Neither is rising early and getting a head start on my day. These are all ways that I can shed the old and take that step forward knowing with every breath that I will have the flexibility and bounce to end up exactly where I am supposed to.

Tomorrow, the Mala. Today, laundry calls. Off I go to spring into action...

Yoga for a Bright New Year

My practice lately has naturally been drawn to the heart chakra and it’s qualities of compassion and universal oneness. As I look back at this last year, I see myself with compassion and realize that I am woven into the greater fabric of my community, my planet, and the Universe. I take that compassion and allow the soothing and calming waters of the fourth chakra to open my heart to myself and others. “I love” is the mantra for the heart. I love the anticipation for what can happen next in the year to come.

All around me people are cramming in everything they can before the end of 2010. I stopped making lists full of goals I knew I wouldn’t accomplish years ago and so for me, the end of the year is a time to relax, reflect, and prepare for the imminent new beginning. If there is something I didn’t get a chance to do this year, I can add it to my vision for the New Year. And note, I say “vision” not “resolution”. To me, resolutions were lofty goals I made to somehow make up for the areas in which I thought I was lacking. Visioning gives me something tangible to look at everyday which gives me purpose to take action. When I want something to become real, I vision instead of resolve.

I use the tool of vision boards. I go through magazines and rip out pictures and words that express what I’m feeling inside. I paste them on a board and hang the board on my wall where I can see it everyday. I then get to stare at my vision and it makes me accountable for it. I am reminded of small steps I can take to make those visions a reality.

We’re at the doorway of a new season, a new year, and a new age. This can be a time for us to reflect on the recent past and create our visions for the future. The mantra that comes to mind is “om gum ganapatayei namaha” which is the mantra to remove all obstacles standing in the way of my progress. As I hear those words over and over I can see myself accomplishing things I never before thought possible. I see myself in a handstand without the wall. I see myself being accepted to graduate school and earning the degree which will allow me to work in the profession I feel will allow me to express my place in the universe as I help people get in touch with their bodies and with their health. I see myself growing old with the woman I love as we devote our lives to each other.

As I take my place on the mat on hands and knees, I place my hands squarely under my shoulders; my knees under my hips. My back is neutral and my breath is even. Inhaling, I engage mula bhanda (root lock) by lifting all the muscles of the pelvic floor and I draw my navel towards the earth beneath me. My heart reaches forward, out, and up and my gaze draws to the ceiling—reaching not with my chin but with my brow. Feeling myself full of new breath, new ideas, new life I exhale and start to point my tail to the ground as my spine waves, my back arches, and my gazes falls in to my navel. When the breath is complete, I begin the cycle again. Each end is a new beginning. When once breath empties from my body, I do not mourn the end of a powerful exhale; rather, I rejoice in the opportunity to sip in a new breath and to experience what is in store for me.

Breathing through cat and cow is a wonderful way for me to be reminded of the cycles we live each day. And of the fact that they are, indeed, cycles. Life is not a haphazard collection of parallel and intersecting lines that stop and start. Life is a pattern of continuing circles that overlap sometimes and go off in new directions other times. Even as my pattern spins off in a direction I did not anticipate, there are moments I do recognize or moments I did plan. There is a certain peace and acceptance in that for me.

As we cross the doorway into a new season, into a new year and into a new age, we can enter our own period of enlightenment and true living. What’s your vision?

Namasté and Happy Holidays.

I'm not sure why I tried doing it that way...

I do this thing sometimes where I try to quit something or do it the hard way just for the sake of being contrary. I'll practice with a really thin mat to show that my knees and hips can take when I know full well my body appreciates a second mat for more cushioning. I'll go directly to a bind to prove that I can (to whom? To me? The others in the room? The instructor?) instead of easing into it by taking some time in the other stages of the posture. And just recently, I tried to quit the social networking side of the Internet when here I am, using it for my very own Yoga business.

Suffice it to say, my contrary nature doesn't usually last very long. After a week or so of bruised knees and hips, I double up my mat. Once I strain a muscle or need more adjustments I start at the beginning of a pose instead of what I think of as the end. And when I notice that I use those websites as much as I did before, I allow myself to use it as a way of getting in touch with my friends.

The question I have is why so contrary? Why say no right off the bat before thinking about how much better yes might feel or how much more natural it will be. There are aspects of my personality where this comes into play frequently but I am still amazed (or at least tickled) when it shows up...especially in Yoga. For some reason, I feel like my Yoga practice is exempt from these qualities of my character—or at least it should be. It's not, however. It's just as susceptible as the rest of the things I do to fall victim to me getting in my own dang way.

All is not lost. There is hope for me and those like me. Noticing what I do is the first step—well, being willing to notice it is really the first step but awareness is right up there. So I'm willing to see, I can see, and then, if I can just get to acceptance, I think I have a chance. Acceptance, for me, of these quirky little things I do is the only way I know how to get past them. Somehow when I accept that they are a part of me I get immediate permission to stop doing them. I am freed from my own contrary nature.

Suddenly, using a second or a thicker may does not make me any more or less than other people practicing Yoga. Amazingly, when I stretch before tying myself up in yogic knots, my body is open to such things. And lo and behold, when I admit that I am “on the grid” I can simply open myself back up to social networking without being afraid of “I told you so” and “Ha! You're back” even if I get those responses from people.

Willingness to see it. See it. Accept it. Let it go. It sounds so simple...why can't it always be so easy?

Good thing I can blog about it...

Namasté

Just because it's different doesn't mean it's not as good...

I noticed recently that when I have a different experience than others do, say, in a class, group, or yoga practice, I jump right to judging mine as "not as good" as theirs. As though I am somehow not as authentic as they are because I reacted differently. When I look at this as a yogi, I have to giggle at myself a little because if you have ever taken a class with me, you may recall that the one thing I remind the class over and over and over again is that every body and every practice is different. We are all at different places with our bodies, with our injuries, with out emotions, and in our practice. Of course we will all feel different feelings and experience something as an individual even in a group activity.


I think some of this comes from the notion that individual experience is equal to separateness. If I don't feel the same as my neighbor, I must feel different and if we feel different about Surya Namaskar A, we must be somehow removed from each other. This doesn't have to be true. I can have a completely different set of feelings and physicality going on on my mat than does the yogi next to me but throughout the practice and during our final closing meditation, we are but two petals on a bloom.


Maybe I have a tendency to judge my perceived separateness because I am afraid that I will be on the outside and never find my way into the group consciousness. The thing that "me" doesn't realize is that my individuality is already in the Universal Spirit and Consciousness. It is a part of who we all are and what we all feel. The fact that my yoga-mate is recovering from shoulder surgery makes me more mindful of shoulders in general. The class-mate who tries yoga for the very first time and loves it renews my love to share what yoga has given me over the years. My exhale sounds not only in my ears, but in the ears of the people in the asana room. We're all in this thing together...


What's more, if we are all a part of each others' experiences with the Universe, then we're also a part of our own experience with the Universe. The more I realize I am a part of everything (instead of apart from everything), the closer I am to what I understand as God. I cannot be connected to the Divine but disconnected from my fellows because they and I and we are all one. I think I'll try to practice that one-ness some more. My favorite mantra comes to mind:


Om namo bhagavate vasu devaya (ohm nam-o bhag-a-va-tay va-sue day-vai- ya) One translation I like of this is "Oh infinite Lord, indweller in the heart of all beings, unto you do I turn my consciousness. To see the God within everyone and everything"


Next time I feel separate from others I look forward to closing my eyes and taking a breath. I will hear their breath in mine and mine in theirs. When we practice together I will feel the postures on their bodies as well as my own. When we meditate as a group I will feel connected to each and every person around me and I will let myself connect to them. I will see the God within everyone and everything.


Namasté

It doesn't look how I want it to look today...

I used to practice asana more often than I do now. I used to be stronger and have more endurance. I used to be more flexible. My right hip and wrist didn't used to speak to me quite so loudly as they do today. I used to have a core like a tree-trunk.... The list can go on--if I let it.

The truth is, I'm human. Congratulations. My body and my practice have changed, are changing, and will continue to change as long as I'm alive...and that's a good thing. When I can peel myself away from the movie which tells me I should be this or I used to do that for just long enough to catch a breath, I am reminded that all that stuff in none of my business. If my heels do or don't touch the ground in Adho Mukha Svanasana (Downward-Facing Dog) is really none. of. my. business. My business is to practice the asana with sincerity and the rest will be however it is.

Sometimes I try to fight that and I am inclined to push, pull, or yank my way into a posture but each time I am swiftly and lovingly reminded that is not where I am at that moment. It's a great experience when I remember to let go and just be in the pose--and I am grateful to hear reminders from teachers to do just that--but sometimes I don't listen and I try to live in the past or in the future. And, go figure, those are the times when I find my thoughts, breath, and practice in general to be disorganized and clunky.

On the occasions that I am able to take a step back and breathe into a posture, however, my body, breath, and mind fall into a beautifully choreographed ballet. I close my eyes and inhale. I can feel my heart lift and my sacrum point to the floor. My toes wiggle into the mat. As I exhale, my shoulders fall down away from my ears and my chin rests easy. Samasthithi (Equal Standing).

I inhale and lift my arms out to the side and up over my head and just as my fingertips touch, my gaze meets my thumbs and I can float inside my inhale. Exhaling, my arms open to the side and down to the ground as my body folds in half, chin to my chest and fingers to my toes. Feeling myself empty, I enjoy the stretch of Uttanasana (Forward Bend).

As I inhale my heart reaches forward as my gaze lifts to the sky, fingers grazing the ground in Adrha Uttanasana (Half Forward Bend) and I exhale back into the fold and jump back and down into Chaturanga Dandasana (Four-limbed Staff Pose), letting go of the stale breath and thought that interferes with my conscious contact to my practice and the universe.

I inhale from my toes and roll forward and through into Urdhva Mukha Svanasana (Upward-Facing Dog) where I receive new breath and new ideas. As I exhale and lift from my root, I press back and crawl into Adho Mukha Svanasana and I let my body find the pose on its own. Breathing five full breaths in this posture is one of the most direct ways I have ever experienced to dial-in to what is going on in my body and with my thoughts at that very moment. It reminds me to be present and to be grateful and to be patient.

I inhale and fill my body with new breath which I use to jump my feet back up to meet my hands on an exhale. As I inhale, my chin stays in and my arms reach out to the side and rotate up together to meet in Urdhva Hastasana (Upward Hand Pose). I exhale back to Tadasana (Mountain Pose) and feel myself connected still and once again.

When I put it that way, that looks exactly how I want it to look today...

On this day...
In this moment...
With this breath....

Namasté

That just doesn't serve me anymore...

I overheard something funny at work today. Without boring you to tears with the technical details, a co-worker was upset about a thing that was set to install on his computer at a time he deems inconvenient. We received notices and were asked not to postpone the installation; he tried to postponed the installation and it installed anyway. He wasn't ready for it and it changed his productivity for about an hour. I then overheard him irritatedly recount the story to several of his co-workers and I noticed something: each time he told the story he sounded more and more irritated.

I noticed how that simply doesn't work for me anymore. There are many people in my life who try and help me remember to find the positive and to stay in the solution rather than the problem and that, ultimately, the way the world works isn't up to me. The more I am able to remember that, the easier it is for me to be OK with losing an hour of my morning to some installation for which I am due.

I am truly grateful for these people in my life--both sets remind me how powerful it is to simply choose to let go of the baggage that brings me down. The former does this by live and active example; I would rather not spend my morning being irritated and drafting an angry email if I can possibly avoid it. The latter does it in a more gentle and constant reminding way by not allowing me to sit in "poor me" when the solution is sometimes just to stop letting it get to me.

I look back at when the slightest upset in my plan wound me into a tizzy (sometimes I only have to look back about 5 minutes!) and I wonder how I was able to change my perspective. Practice, I suppose, is the best answer. That and a belief in the knowledge and realization that most things in life aren't up to me. Sometimes I really want them to be but my own experience has proven to me time and time again that they just aren't. And since they aren't up to me, my tizzy-ing has no effect on their outcomes but are rather just for my benefit. From there, I (slowly) learned that being in a tizzy isn't actually beneficial to my emotional and spiritual well-being and so if I just stop and go with the flow, things can get a lot easier.

This works for a lot of things, by the way. People treating me a certain way doesn't work for me anymore and so I create boundaries where I can and remove people from my life when that's the answer. Gossip doesn't feel as good as it used to and so I don't have to participate in a conversation if it turns down that road or I can even walk away from it altogether. Not paying my bills on time leaves me feeling unsettled these days and so I pay them when they are due. The same can be said for anything I do--or used to do--that doesn't work anymore. No matter what behavior it is, I can usually find a way to behave differently so I don't feel out of sorts.

Sounds easy enough that I didn't believe it could be true at first. They'd tell me to "choose to be happy" or some baloney like that and I shook my head because they just didn't understand. But after awhile I tried it. It works. I can choose to let things continue to upset me or I can choose to accept the outcomes I face in daily life. Try it. Next time something over which you have no control doesn't go the way you want it to, let yourself get irritated for a minute and then see what happens when you remind yourself that it's not up to you; that you have the choice to let it go and be at peace. The first time will be clunky...the second time maybe less so but after awhile, you'll find that quiet and slightly knowing smile resting on your face most of the time.

Life is just so much more comfortable for me when I'm not trying to force my way through it. It's relaxing to be relaxed even when things around me aren't what I think of as my ideal. "Freedom is not shelter from the storm but serenity within it," my guru used to remind us. For me, the freedom comes from letting go of behaviors and attitudes when I realize they just don't serve me anymore. Serenity is the result...and it's priceless.

A Whole New Today; A Whole New Tomorrow...

“Just for today...”

“Practice the posture...”

“Follow your feet...”

There are myriad sayings that remind us to stay in the present. Even in my yoga practice I repeatedly remind and am reminded to be present with my breath and to stay in the pose. Yet even after all of these reminders—on and off the mat—I find it still so easy to slip into tomorrow. It's so comfortable to try and figure out what tomorrow will bring when, really, I have no idea what even the rest of today will bring.

When I go down to move my laundry from the washer to the dryer it could go smoothly, there might be someone else's clothes in the dryer, or something I can't even imagine could be in place. Silly example, I know, but it works the same with laundry as it does with everything else. I can plan and plan and plan and plan how a presentation, performance, interview, apology, confession, or whatever will go but when it gets to the actual event it's just not up to me. All I can do is be prepared; the rest is up the the Universe.

This doesn't let me off the hook for having to do any work, mind you; it just frees me from having to run the world. It's a relief, actually. The more often I remember that I have the option to stay out of the results the more easily I find I can just do the work. It gives me a chance to more directly focus my energy on the task at hand because I don't have to save any so that I can try to control and manage things I can't control or manage.

Even though I want things to turn out my way, it's just not always going to happen that way. Once I finally understood that, today suddenly took on a new light. The weight of tomorrow was lifted and today became something I could handle. If I have a task that seems too big to even start, it probably is and can be broken down into smaller, on-the-go, bite-sized pieces. It's much easier to enroll in a class or two on a Monday morning than trying to earn an entire degree while I should be working.

I do one thing, then I do the next thing, then I do the next thing until all of those things are done. They don't all have to get done right now. Other things will come up and still others will clear away. The degree to which I freak-out and micro-manage—or don't—is up to me. I'm so grateful that's where my influence ends. I get a new freedom for today and I get a whole new tomorrow.

Just for today, I will practice the posture at hand and I will be where my feet are.

Namasté

Continuous Practice

The thing about Yoga that gives me the most peace of mind is that a pose is never "done". The thing about Yoga that leaves me with the most frustration is that a pose is never "done". And look, that applies to the rest of my life as well.

Sometimes I so dearly want to use yesterday's effort to get credit for today. I made my bed, brushed my teeth, cleaned the kitchen, folded my clothes, updated a spreadsheet, paid a bill, and did some spiritual homework yesterday...and by the end of the day, boy was I tuckered out. And then here comes today and my bed is unmade, my teeth need a brushing, my kitchen is a mess, my hamper is full of clothes, that spreadsheet is now a day old, there's another bill to pay, and I have more reading and writing to do in order to keep myself spiritually balanced.

So I go to Yoga to take my mind off of things and ahhh, yes, here comes my favorite: Trikonasana (Triangle Pose). I got this one down. Ok, step my right leg back and turn it out 45 degrees, check. Reach my left arm forward and start to stack my hips, check. Allow the reach to turn vertical as I stretch my left hand to the floor (or block, as the case often may be), ahhh, there we go. Reach the right arm up as I open at the waist and turn my ribs to the ceiling, yes. Lift up through the thighs and root down through the heels, done. Oh wait, now my foot has slipped and I have some room to adjust it, okay. And now I have more room in my hips to reach my spine long and create space between my hips and my heart, sure. As it turns out, I can also readjust both my standing arm as well as my acting arm, fine. And with all of that, I let go of my thigh and it turns out I can re-engage my right buttock while I'm at it...

I can go through that checklist for as long as I am in the posture--and I can add to it each time. It turns out that what takes my mind off of my revolving to-do list out here in the rest of the world is the fact that I get to replace it with a new continuous list when I'm on the mat. How frustrating. How freeing.

It reminds me that no matter how "done" I think I am, I can always go back and check something else. I always have a choice to be fully involved in whatever it is I am doing. Every second counts--but it only counts for itself. The work I do one day strengthens me for the next day but ultimately, if I wish to maintain a practice and to reap the benefits it provides, each day is a new opportunity. One day, one pose, one breath at a time, I have the chance to work to strengthen my body, mind, and spirit.

The work I did yesterday helps me remember that for today it is a choice; it is a chance; it is an opportunity...

Namaste

Practicing Patience and Gratitude

I like to rush. Sometimes I forget to say thank you. Pausing is often forgotten. I can often act in a manner which best serves me. That is, of course, unless I am mindful of practicing patience and gratitude. My guru would remind us of this while we were in uncomfortable postures--and now I get to do the same. Holding the pose in Virabhadrasana II (Warrior II) is a great time to remember why I practice yoga. What a good time to remember gratitude for having a car when I am stuck in traffic. How strong a lesson to be patient when I want to find an apartment and move next weekend.

The practice of patience and gratitude is just that: a practice. We forget, we remember, we forget, we remember.... The goal of the practice is that the forgetting happens less frequently and the remembering kicks in a little sooner than it did the last time. When I have tried for anything more, I have become disappointed in myself. From the practice of patience and gratitude comes the gift of being present. I am here now and this is where I am. That alone is a gift and for that I am grateful. The Universe has a map and I can only see what is directly in front of me--for even when I look back my vision is blurry and distorted.

All I need to do is be here. Be here and be grateful. When that becomes my natural state the rest falls into place. Holding the pose becomes an opportunity to mind my breath. Traffic doesn't bother me because I can't be where I'm going until I get there. I have a place to live and all the time in the world for whatever upgrade in living is on the books for me. I am here now. I am grateful now.

On this day...
In this moment...
With this breath...

Namaste