I'm not sure why I tried doing it that way...

I do this thing sometimes where I try to quit something or do it the hard way just for the sake of being contrary. I'll practice with a really thin mat to show that my knees and hips can take when I know full well my body appreciates a second mat for more cushioning. I'll go directly to a bind to prove that I can (to whom? To me? The others in the room? The instructor?) instead of easing into it by taking some time in the other stages of the posture. And just recently, I tried to quit the social networking side of the Internet when here I am, using it for my very own Yoga business.

Suffice it to say, my contrary nature doesn't usually last very long. After a week or so of bruised knees and hips, I double up my mat. Once I strain a muscle or need more adjustments I start at the beginning of a pose instead of what I think of as the end. And when I notice that I use those websites as much as I did before, I allow myself to use it as a way of getting in touch with my friends.

The question I have is why so contrary? Why say no right off the bat before thinking about how much better yes might feel or how much more natural it will be. There are aspects of my personality where this comes into play frequently but I am still amazed (or at least tickled) when it shows up...especially in Yoga. For some reason, I feel like my Yoga practice is exempt from these qualities of my character—or at least it should be. It's not, however. It's just as susceptible as the rest of the things I do to fall victim to me getting in my own dang way.

All is not lost. There is hope for me and those like me. Noticing what I do is the first step—well, being willing to notice it is really the first step but awareness is right up there. So I'm willing to see, I can see, and then, if I can just get to acceptance, I think I have a chance. Acceptance, for me, of these quirky little things I do is the only way I know how to get past them. Somehow when I accept that they are a part of me I get immediate permission to stop doing them. I am freed from my own contrary nature.

Suddenly, using a second or a thicker may does not make me any more or less than other people practicing Yoga. Amazingly, when I stretch before tying myself up in yogic knots, my body is open to such things. And lo and behold, when I admit that I am “on the grid” I can simply open myself back up to social networking without being afraid of “I told you so” and “Ha! You're back” even if I get those responses from people.

Willingness to see it. See it. Accept it. Let it go. It sounds so simple...why can't it always be so easy?

Good thing I can blog about it...

Namasté

Just because it's different doesn't mean it's not as good...

I noticed recently that when I have a different experience than others do, say, in a class, group, or yoga practice, I jump right to judging mine as "not as good" as theirs. As though I am somehow not as authentic as they are because I reacted differently. When I look at this as a yogi, I have to giggle at myself a little because if you have ever taken a class with me, you may recall that the one thing I remind the class over and over and over again is that every body and every practice is different. We are all at different places with our bodies, with our injuries, with out emotions, and in our practice. Of course we will all feel different feelings and experience something as an individual even in a group activity.


I think some of this comes from the notion that individual experience is equal to separateness. If I don't feel the same as my neighbor, I must feel different and if we feel different about Surya Namaskar A, we must be somehow removed from each other. This doesn't have to be true. I can have a completely different set of feelings and physicality going on on my mat than does the yogi next to me but throughout the practice and during our final closing meditation, we are but two petals on a bloom.


Maybe I have a tendency to judge my perceived separateness because I am afraid that I will be on the outside and never find my way into the group consciousness. The thing that "me" doesn't realize is that my individuality is already in the Universal Spirit and Consciousness. It is a part of who we all are and what we all feel. The fact that my yoga-mate is recovering from shoulder surgery makes me more mindful of shoulders in general. The class-mate who tries yoga for the very first time and loves it renews my love to share what yoga has given me over the years. My exhale sounds not only in my ears, but in the ears of the people in the asana room. We're all in this thing together...


What's more, if we are all a part of each others' experiences with the Universe, then we're also a part of our own experience with the Universe. The more I realize I am a part of everything (instead of apart from everything), the closer I am to what I understand as God. I cannot be connected to the Divine but disconnected from my fellows because they and I and we are all one. I think I'll try to practice that one-ness some more. My favorite mantra comes to mind:


Om namo bhagavate vasu devaya (ohm nam-o bhag-a-va-tay va-sue day-vai- ya) One translation I like of this is "Oh infinite Lord, indweller in the heart of all beings, unto you do I turn my consciousness. To see the God within everyone and everything"


Next time I feel separate from others I look forward to closing my eyes and taking a breath. I will hear their breath in mine and mine in theirs. When we practice together I will feel the postures on their bodies as well as my own. When we meditate as a group I will feel connected to each and every person around me and I will let myself connect to them. I will see the God within everyone and everything.


Namasté